


no pain, no gain

by 100demons



Category: Marvel (Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Pairing, F/M, Gen, Rare Pairing, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS, Yoga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-20
Updated: 2012-05-20
Packaged: 2017-11-05 16:11:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SHIELD YOGA: Come and cleanse your body of its impurities and strengthen your body while bringing peace to the mind. Classes starting soon! </p><p>Instructor: Nick Fury</p><p>Bruce Banner decides to practice yoga in order to control his anger. It goes about as well as expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no pain, no gain

“SHIELD YOGA: come and cleanse your body of its impurities and strengthen your body while bringing peace to the mind. Classes starting soon,” Bruce read aloud slowly before raising an eyebrow at his therapist. “You want me to…take _yoga_ classes?”

“Let’s face the facts, honey,” Dr. Wallace said huskily, smoke rising lazily from the cigarette perched in her hand. “You’ve got anger management problems—a temper just as explosive as Mt. Vesuvius and twice as volatile.”

“Yes, but I don’t see how—“

“Medication is just _one_ part of this…” Dr. Wallace waved her hand vaguely in the air, trailing plumes of smoke. “Solution. You need to live a healthier and calmer life, Bruce.”

“But—“

“I’m not _forcing_ it on you.” The end of the cigarette glowed cherry red as she took a long pull. “But,” she said, smoke trickling out of her nostrils, eerily resembling a dragon with red lipstick. “I’d like it if you did, hon.”

“You sound just like my mother,” Bruce Banner said, looking down at the flyer in his hands resignedly.

“Well, what do you think you pay me for?”

\---

“Oh, thank god, a normal person.” There was sharp slapping noise of a yoga mat being dropped onto the floor, followed by the thump of a human body.

“I—“ Bruce stopped and stared.

“Darcy Lewis,” the woman said, as she stretched her arms into the air, emphasizing her…rather large…Equations flew through his head as Bruce furiously tried to calculate the mechanisms through which the woman’s breasts managed to defy gravity and remain so…

“And you’re…?”

“9.81 m/s²,” Bruce blurted out.

Darcy Lewis raised both her eyebrows. “Wow. You must have been beaten up a lot as a kid.”

“What—no—I mean.” Bruce turned bright red. “Sorry, I was just—can we start over again?” He stretched out his hand. “I’m Bruce—Bruce Banner. It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Lewis.”

“Darcy, please.” She took his hand, her skin surprisingly warm and soft. “Ms. Lewis is my mom and she’s all wrinkly and old. I’m not.”

“Darcy, then,” Bruce smiled. “So, what’s this about me being normal?”

“Have you _seen_ the people in this room?” Darcy shuddered. “They’re all either yuppie moms trying to lose their baby weight or hardcore yoga enthusiasts who can bend into pretzels in like five second _flat._ ”

Bruce considered the people in the room—in the far corner, one woman was actually twisting herself into what looked like a sailor’s knot; in another, a group of moms were sitting together, chatting about stretch marks and their waistlines. “I hadn’t noticed,” he admitted, trying very hard not to let his eyes wander below Darcy’s neck.

“We’re the only two sane people in this room,” Darcy said solemnly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“That makes me feel much better about taking this class,” Bruce said dryly.

“Sounds like you’ve been coerced, Mr. Banner,” Darcy teased. “So, who’s the awful person who convinced you to become the only male yoga student in the entire room?”

“…A friend,” Bruce said, hesitant. “She thought it was be good for me.”

Darcy cocked her head at him slyly. “A female friend you want to impress?”

Bruce blanched, horrified. Impress Dr. Wallace? She was old enough to be his grandmother twice over.

“I’m guessing not, then, seeing how you look like you just ate your unwashed gym socks.”

“She’s—like my mother,” Bruce said, face still pale. “And not in a good way.”

“Oh God, I know exactly what you mean,” Darcy reassured him. “My mom’s Jewish. I get crap from her all the time, except half of it’s in Yiddish so I don’t even understand it.”

Bruce was about to respond when the door to the studio slammed open, instantly quieting every conversation in the room. After a long, ominous silence, yogacharya Nick Fury walked in, his black yoga mat swirling majestically around his shoulders.

“Good afternoon, motherfuckers,” he greeted the class, face stony.

No one responded.

“I said, _good afternoon,_ you goddamn motherfuckers!”

“Good afternoon, yogacharya,” the class bleated back at him.

“Better. Now, this is a mixed class, because everyone in this room was too much of a dumb shit to read the instructions and sign up for classes in the proper way. So deal with it, you got it?” Thankfully, this time, Nick Fury didn’t seem to require a response. The entire class looked visibly relieved as he continued, “Alright, fuckers. Get up and we’ll start with standing positions.”

Bruce looked at Darcy and instead of seeing terror, saw sheer excitement. “This is going to be the best class ever,” she whispered at him. Bruce nodded stiffly and turned to the front of the class, feeling the bottom fall out of his stomach.

“Now bend down and touch your ugly ass toes and I don’t want to hear any complaints. No pain, no motherfucking gain!”

Forget managing his anger. He was never going to walk out of the class alive.

**Author's Note:**

> It is, as always, ashcheche's fault.


End file.
